Beyond The Holders
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Holder of Teh Gawfikkness
Holder of Teh Gawfikkness
In any city, in any country near England, go to any magical school or university you can get yourself to, preferably one named “Hogwarts”. When you reach the front desk, flip your floor-length ebony black hair with purple streaks impatiently and ask to see someone who calls themselves “the Holder of Teh Gawfikkness.” You must do this while exuding a strong sense of unwarranted self importance.
If the worker sees through your façade and starts laughing, you must slit your wrists as quickly as possible if you wish to avoid being flayed by angry writers and disgruntled wizards alike. Otherwise, the worker will begin to act oddly, eventually transforming into an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything start flying towards you on a broomstick! He doesn’t have a nose (basically like Voldemort in that one movie) and he wears all black but it’s obvious he’s not gothic. He will scream "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS?" It is........ Dumbledore?! Wait, no, it's Voldemort.
He will shout out “Imperius!” at you, making it so you can’t run away. You may notice that his voice sounds like Gerard Way, but do not pay too much attention to this. You must shout out “Crookshanks!” or else he will kill you in the worst, most magical way you can think of. Voldemort will fall off his broom and start to scream like a little girl, and even though you’re a sadist you must feel bad for him, or you sadisticness will kill you from the inside, destroying your mind.
He will then shout out your name, handing you a gun and telling you to kill Vampire Potter, then leave before the other person you love the most pops up and you make out all the way to Hogwarts.
Once inside, you will notice everyone will begin changing in strange ways due to your presence. For examples, details like names, interests and personal wardrobe choice (despite the school having a uniform policy) will begin to change almost immediately. If this does not happen, you’re absolutely screwed, as the denizens of this world will use their powers to keep you alive through various forms of torture, including crucifixion, flaying, and scaphism.
You will notice that the people aren’t the only thing changing. Varius things from the school you’r now inhabeting to the laws of natyr themsels will begin to morph, or rathher deturirate as tim passes on. Speach patturnz wil becum nurly unintelgfable, as if beng riten by som1 wit no cncpt of spelung whatsoever.
Unxplectidliy, al uf u wil decid 2 go tu a concirt for a bnd taht shudnt eben ecsist in tis univurs. Inda midlhe of it, teh bahnd wil actaly trun outto e… VOLXEMORT ANF THA DEAF DEALURRS!!! Tehy wil chrage at u an trie t2 kil u an ur 2 smexa hawt boifrends (wu r goffik cause GOFUK GUIS R LYK, SO KAWAI!11). U mst difet tem or tey wil uus mafick tu MURDR U AN UR HAWT GAWFCK BOIS OMFG NO WAI!1111
Affert his, yu mst jump sexily in2 da Pensive to trvl bk in time. Faulr tu d so wil reslt in SUPRMEGANONGAHFFEKDETHOMG whn bak in tim, yu mst fynd VLODEMART whn hi wus yunger (hs neam is Satan nao an hes OMFGSOOHWTRYGHTNOW!11) and sedouce him. Adter dat, yu an hum an yur odder boifrnds an a hawt gayy goffik gy nmed Hedwig (NO HS NOT FEEML R A FECKING OWL!11). Dere glocks wil be tuchin (xcept urs cus ur a gurl), bt dnt git 1 inda faec r U WIL DIEEEE!11111 Rght wen ur bout to climx or whtver, u’ll hur a noice an id wil be… SNAP AND LOOPIN MASTICATING!111 u mst shoot ur womb athm ahnd…
Ur totl gawfikkness s obect !1 ot of, lyk, OMG a lawt. Prepz suk.
AN: Fangs (get it, coz Im goffick) to da luv of my deprezzin lif (nt lick THAT, gross) raven! U rok!1
Categories: | Parodies |
|Last modified on 2013-04-19 18:56:47Average Rating: 5 / 5 (1 votes)Viewed 4333 times|