Beyond The Holders
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The Holder of Belonging
In the largest city of the loneliest country you can think of, on the night that country celebrates its independence, go to any church that holds services no one attends. Stand just inside the entrance and say a prayer out loud (make sure nobody's around first). Pray for a friend with whom no explanations are needed. Cross the church and leave by the rear entrance.
You will find a graveyard that feels like home. Among the graves, you should find one that is freshly dug, with flowers at the headstone. Dig it up using only your hands and uncover the small pine casket you'll find inside. The lid will not be fastened.
Open the empty coffin and lie down in it, closing the lid as tightly as you can once you're inside. Do not move as unseen workers nail the lid shut. Do not cry out as the dirt is shoveled back onto the coffin, removing all evidence of the work you did to get there. While all this is happening, it is advisable that you fall asleep, quickly, before you suffocate.
Once you have fallen asleep, you will hear a voice ask you, "Whose are they?" Recite the names and titles of each of the Holders you have encountered thus far. Don't worry if you don't remember, for in the dream you will know these things automatically. As you recite each name, you will experience all the loss and loneliness of each Holder's darkest dreams. They will seem to last forever, and they will be... dark, to say the least.
Should your sanity remain intact after experiencing the last Holder's sorrow, you will awaken. You will feel exhausted from the ordeal; by this point, you will be mere moments from suffocation. All you will be able to smell is dirt and your own hot, shallow breath. No one will get you out of this coffin; indeed, any hope would be quite wasted at this point.
Give up and let yourself die. Just before you breathe your last, all the loneliness and weariness you have ever felt will pass from you. You will feel the welcoming embrace of all the billions of souls that have gone before you. Affection and love will wash over you like a refreshing breeze, sluicing out all the sorrow and despair you've ever experienced and replacing it with a profound gratefulness for finally being included in the only family you've ever really wanted, as if you are the child they have always desired. You will then see a man and a woman sitting in the sunlight under a tree, crying with relief, smiling and asking you to sit so that they may finally tell you why your life has been so difficult.
You MUST WAKE UP NOW. The couple will beg you to stop, but you must ignore their pleas. Bite your thumb, pull out your hair, chew into your flesh and gouge out your eyes. Stuff handfuls of grass and sod down your throat until you choke. Smash your head in with a stone. The couple will plead with you to stay with them, to choose happiness over suffering. Ignore them with every fiber of your being. Do whatever your imagination can devise in order to stop this dreaming.
If you are successful, you will awaken in a subway station, naked. Don't worry about being scorned, for from this point on, everyone you meet will accept you as one of their own. Be they Christian or Muslim, Congressman or anarchist, cop or criminal, prince or pauper, all will treat you with the utmost respect. Don't let it go to your head, though; despite this illusion, you will never truly belong with anyone ever again. People may respect you now, but don't be surprised if they turn against you in as little as a week.
Your own heart is now Object 420 of 538. Hurry, for you've not much time now until the entire universe is united against you.
|Last modified on 2008-08-11 15:47:17Average Rating: 4 / 5 (2 votes)Viewed 7042 times|