Beyond The Holders
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The Holder of EMPHASIS
In ANY city, in ANY country, make your way to any mental institution OR halfway house you can get yourself to. Walk up to the counter and ask the worker POLITELY, “I would like to see the Holder of EMPHASIS!” She will blink slowly and SCREAM AT YOU LOUDLY. If anything else happens, RUN. If you’re LUCKY, you will escape with your life.
You will be led down a very long hallway. At the end you will face a large golden door flanked by a large, flashing neon arrow pointing at the door. Knock EXACTLY three times. Any more or less, and your SOUL will be torn apart ENTIRELY. The door will open and you are allowed to walk down the hallway. You will see HORRIBLE visions dancing across the walls, and staring at them for too long may DRIVE YOU SPIRALING INTO MADNESS.
Eventually, you will face three doors. ONLY one will lead you to the Holder. If you go through the other doors, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WOULD HAPPEN. Inside the correct door, a STUPIDLY scary old man will be sitting on a PLATINUM throne. There are even jewels BEDECKING that fucking AWESOME THRONE. As he looks up from the FUCKING RAD computer before him, now is the time you MUST speak.
Yell at him, “WHY THE HELL IS EVERYONE SCREAMING SO MUCH?!” If you haven’t almost SHREDDED YOUR VOCAL CHORDS with your yelling, the Holder will begin to tell you a TERRIFYING story. He will relate to you all of tales of the Seekers who just COULDN’T TAKE THE SCREAMING ANYMORE. The story is so terrifying, it will DRIVE YOU NUTS OR SOMETHING. God DAMN!
If you are still FAIRLY sane after you are finished, you must then point and scream at him, “I’ve had ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT, EVILDOER!” Grab the keyboard of they computer and SMASH it over his head! Then, Ronnie James Dio will RETURN FROM THE GRAVE AND SET EVERYTHING ON FIRE WITH NOTHING BUT A KILLER-SWEET GUITAR LICK. HOLY FLIPPING MOTHER OF GOD. All that will be left is a RIDICULOUSLY PLAIN-LOOKING keyboard key.
The CAPS LOCK key is Object ELEVENTY BAJILLION of 2538. Pressing it will be sure to GET YOUR GODDAMN POINT ACROSS.
Categories: | Parodies |
|Last modified on 2010-12-05 12:13:47Average Rating: 4.33 / 5 (3 votes)Viewed 6512 times|