The Holder of Vindication/Discussion


In need of revision:
  • Grammar
  • Subject/verb agreement
  • Verb tense mismatches
  • Punctuation
  • Overall "feel"/style
Furthermore, we already have two shields that protect the Seeker, and a sword. Why should
  • a second
  • sword
  • protect the Seeker?
--Sysop

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The sword doesn't protect the seeker, he simply uses it to remove his eyes so he can place the objects in the sockets. but there is at least one other eye changing object that i know of, so maybe the object itself should be changed. -sojourn

@ Tyler. I'm not sure what we can do with it, I had to basically rewrite most of it to get it to this quality, and your improvements helped a lot too. I'm not sure what else we can change. Any ideas? -Arca

I really don't know, I'm not that great when it comes to significantly changing somebody's work. Sure I can change sentences around to make em flow better, but "reconstructive surgery" as it were, is beyond me. I actually rather like the end part, with the Holder. Which by the way, seems to have a loophole for the clever. I'd say the trick is to bring an extra set of eyeballs with you (hell, if you're a seeker, you've probably got SEVERAL murders to your name, what's one more?) You have to notice it never says that they have to be your own eyes, same as it never says the marbles have to go into your eye sockets. - Tyler

Yeah, is that a bad thing though? Because the original ending was very straight-forward with the notion of cutting out your eyes with the sword, so I tried to make it a little less blunt. But seemingly that creats another problem. What might help us make it better is if we decide on what's the parts that needs work and then keep at it. -Arca

Like I said, I like the end bit with the kid, the fact that you MIGHT be able to circumvent the "lose your eyes" thing is good considering you already lose an eye to a different holder. If I had to pick out a couple specific things to change I would nix the "living hallway" idea, as I think it's been done before, and I'd embellish a bit on the Holder's room. (I've actually just been hit by the idea fairy, so I'll take a swing at that part) - Tyler
Last modified on 2009-04-03 11:32:20Viewed 476 times

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