Beyond The Holders
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The Holder of the Chosen Path
In any technologically advanced country, go to the most technologically enhanced city. Go to the biggest electronics or gadget store you can find, and stay in front of the doors, not moving, until your cell phone clock says 12:34 AM.
When this time arrives, close your eyes and walk backwards thirteen paces. Then, put your feet together at the heels and open your eyes, and turn to your right.
You will see a truck about to run you over, and you will notice the license plate reads XIII-013 and the side of the truck will have the words Thirteen Is A Magic Number. If you see an SUV or a Sedan, you are doomed. You did it wrong and will never awake from your eternal slumber.
When you get hit by the truck, you will black out. In due time, you will wake up in the middle of the electronics store, and when you look at your watch, it will say 66:66 AMPM. If you see any other time, strangle yourself with any wires you can find; this fate is better than getting mauled to death by digital demons.
However, if you are lucky and the time reads correctly, then stand, and walk up to any cash register and say, "I would like to speak with the Holder of the Chosen Path."
If the cash register spazzes out and all the money goes flying everywhere, you did it correctly. Look for a $1,000,000 bond fly out and catch it. If you examine it closer, you will find that the picture on it is that of a being not of this world.
Ask the bond, "How will they choose their fate?"
If asked correctly, all the money will cover you from head to toe, disintegrating your clothing and you will see a whirl of colour.
When your vision clears, you will be in the middle of a street with multiple 19th Century style streetlamps. You will be completely nude, and next to you, your best friend in the entire world will be there, also nude.
Pay no attention to him yet. Start walking down the street, taking care to step only into the lit areas of the road. Whenever you move, your friend will too. After the third lamp, he should start humming a tune that you know. Feel free to hum or whistle along. If he hums another tune that is unfamiliar or doesn't hum at all, feel free to pray and hope your deliverance will be swift.
After two verses of humming, your friend will say to you, "Which path?"
Do not answer him. You will now see two houses, one on either side of the street. Go to the right house, and look in the large bay window. You will see your friend having intercourse with the woman of his dreams. Outside, under the window, will be yourself, a beggar, homeless, looking for spare change.
Do not be alarmed at this, or show any emotion. Don't linger here.
Cross the street, and look into the other house's identical bay window. You will see the opposite: yourself, having inercourse with the woman of your dreams. Your friend will be the beggar outside.
Now, walk back to the middle of the street. You will be fully clothed when you walk into the light, and your friend will be gone. Close your eyes and ask, "Wie weit sind sie von ihrem gewähltem Pfad abgekommen?" which translates to "How far did they stray from their Chosen Path?"
Open your eyes. You will see a man about 22, standing and grinning three feet from where you stand. He will start to explain in excruciating detail, and with a voice like a car accident, the different times in history and in the future when people strayed from the path of righteousness with selfish reasons, and how it got other people killed.
Most cannot stand this and go insane. However, if, at the end, your sanity is still intact, say, "Ich werde auf meinem gewähltem Pfad gehen." This roughly translates to, "I will go unto my Chosen Path."
Now, you have thirty seconds to make a choice. The lights will black out, one by one, until the only lights are in the two houses. Trust me, you don't want to be stuck in the dark here.
Choose which reality you favor, and dive through that window. You will black out, and when you wake, you will be in the place you call home, sleeping on your bed. The clock will read 12:35 AM. In your hand will be a small Global Positioning System device.
The GPS device is Object 369 of 538. It will show the Path you must take. The Path you have just chosen is now reality. Dare you stray from your Chosen Path?
Categories: | Parodies |
|Last modified on 2008-09-05 06:18:25Average Rating: 5 / 5 (1 votes)Viewed 3644 times|