The Holder of the Eight Directions


At any airport you find yourself at, buy a ticket to where-ever the "Holder of the Eight Directions" is going. The worker will give you a double take. While she is looking away, check to your left to see if there is something green in color; it doesn't matter what it is, as long as it's green. If there isn't, the Holder knows you are after her and will take action. When the worker looks back at you with an expression of realization, tell her "I'm past any misgivings about this. Please let me on the flight."

The worker will hand you a ticket and a black boarding pass with red lettering, looking at you like you're not of this world. Take the ticket to the gate specified. It is a different flight and gate for everybody, but if it is a minor, small airline, and not one of the major ones, fling your boarding pass as far away from you as you can and flee.

No matter where you are sitting on the flight, while it is still boarding, a middle-aged woman will sit next to you. This is the Holder. "Man, this is hectic," she'll say. "What does it take to get anywhere around here?" Keep a smirk on your face while she's rambling. She'll eventually shut up, but not until long after the plane has left the ground.

Even if the destination didn't specify this, it will be a trans-ocean flight. The woman next to you has been telling her story, so if you haven't been paying attention, you won't have noticed her asking you where you're going, and the flight will carry you to your next existence...if you're lucky.

You must tell her, "I seek the Eight Directions." She will smile at you and ask, "And what will you do with them?" You must speak to her, in a condescending tone: "Why, make them one, of course, for that is what they truly are."

If you did this right, she will say, "Excuse me, I have to use the restroom," and walk away. Now this is very important. You must do this step perfectly, else the woman will return early, something you do not want to happen.

The instant you see her turn her back, you must close your eyes and count to 390. You may do this silently or out loud. Do not skip a number, do not open your eyes, and do not go back, because you are only asking for worse trouble than you're already in. I would recommend counting slowly; the longer you keep your eyes closed, the less you'll see.

When you reach 390, you'll hear the pilot telling the passengers it's time to prepare for landing. Open your eyes. You'll hear the bathroom door opening behind you, and the woman will rejoin you. Abandoning all pretense, the woman will ask: "Are you positive?"

With as much sarcasm as you can muster, put on a facade of considering her question for a few seconds, but finally tell her, "Yes," almost as if you're frustrated with her dragging her heels.

If you did this right, she will reach into your purse and hand you a compass which appears to point erratically unless you know how it works.

The Compass is Object 390 of 538, and it always points toward Their reunion.

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Last modified on 2008-12-07 05:23:01Average Rating: 5 / 5 (2 votes)Viewed 7972 times

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