The Holder of the Intelligence

To complete this mission, you must be wearing either a red or blue shirt, and you must take with you a can of soda with a label of the same color.

In any city, in any country, go to any video game store you can get yourself into. When you reach the counter, face the clerk and clearly speak these words: "I wish to see the Holder of the Intelligence." If he looks at you with a confused expression on his face, leave the store at once, it's rude to hold up the line. If, however, you have come to the right place, the clerk will sigh and ask you come to the back room. Do so, and you will immediately lose consciousness.

When you awaken, you will find yourself in a strange white room with a set of glass doors in front of you. While behind these doors no harm can befall you, so use this time to mentally prepare yourself for the journey ahead. When you are ready, leave the room. You shall find yourself in a strange fort-like area, with a variety of people going about their business, all wearing the same color you are. Ignore these people, for though they are on your side they shall be of no help to you, and there is a chance some of them are not the allies they appear to be. Turn to your left and walk through the doorway. You will find yourself on a balcony overlooking a covered bridge, beyond which is a fortress eerily similar to your own. Do not be fooled by its appearance, for it holds many unspeakable horrors that you must now traverse.

You must fling yourself from the safety of your balcony, aiming to land on the roof of the bridge before you. Be sure in your footing, for a poorly judged jump will send you falling into the foul waters below. Run to the other side of the bridge, avoiding the marksmen that seek to stop you. Should they take aim at you, at least your death shall be swift. Jump again onto the ledge in front of you, praying that the marksmen have been shot down by your allies.

There shall be two doors you must now choose from. The door on the left shall not open, no matter how hard you force against it. The door on the right is the true path, but it is guarded by a mechanical horror too vile to be described here. Before entering this doorway you must quickly drink the soda you brought with you. If you feel a strange sensation, as if you are observing yourself from a camera held about 10 feet behind you, you may continue. Dash past the machine; it will attack you, but you will be temporarily guarded against it by an unseen force. There will be a doorway marked "Intelligence", enter it. Run down the spiraling ramp and you will be in a small underground room. In this room will be a briefcase, spinning and floating slightly over a desk.

As soon as you touch this briefcase a demonic voice shall enter your skull, crying out, "We have taken the enemy intelligence!" You must flee for your life, as an infinite number of demons now know where you are, and will be seeking you. This briefcase is more important to them than their own lives, and should they find you, a thousand eternities in hell would be more pleasant than the respawn time you will endure. Run up the ramp you came from and hope that no one appears to impede your progress. Once at the top you must QUICKLY turn to your right and drop down a hole in the floor, dodging the fire and the shining yellow projectiles that these creatures will shoot at you.

Run outside, across the bridge and into your own fortress. Find the room marked intelligence and enter it quickly, for you are still being pursued. There should be another briefcase, floating in a similar manner to the one now strapped to your back. Approach it, but do not come too close, for this is the holder you seek. Spread your arms wide, and in a fake Brooklyn accent, speak the following phrase: "Hey knucklehead, I'm talking to you! Bonk!" Only then will the holder deem you worthy to place your prize onto the desk in front of you and open it.

The content of the briefcase is object 1 of 3 (or 5, depending on the game settings). Five minutes left in the mission.

Categories: | Parodies |

Last modified on 2010-05-11 12:00:31Viewed 6418 times

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