Beyond The Holders
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The Holder of the Minty Fudge Ripple
In any city, in any country in the world, go to any ice cream parlour you can get yourself to with a live duck on your head. DO NOT ASK WHY. At the counter, ask for the Scoop of the Ages.
Should the worker laugh, all hope is gone. Foul hands will reach up from the floor and pull you down to the darkest depths of Hoboken, New Jersey.
Should the worker look blank, turn and walk away. Today was not your day.
Should the worker turn into a large haddock wearing a monocle and top hat and offer you a penny-farthing ride to the moon, it's time to stop smoking whatever you've been smoking.
If, however, the worker nods grimly and picks up his scoop, you have passed the first trial. Beware, for they get far worse from here on out.
The worker will reach beneath the counter and bring out a scoop of strawberry ice cream, and wordlessly hand it to you. Eat it. It will be the strawberriest thing you have ever tasted. Many have gone mad from the sheer strawberritude of the strawberry.
When you have finished, the worker will ask you how it tasted. You must answer "Strawberrific!". Fail to do so, and the worker will seize you, drag you behind the counter and use your skin to make waffle cones.
If, however, you say the right thing, he will next produce a scoop of vanilla. It will be the vanilliest vanilla ever tasted by man or beast. Quite a few people have later stated, "Damn, that is some vanilly vanilla!"
When you have finished, the worker will again ask you how it tasted. You must answer "Vanillicious!" If you do not, you will be seized and used for the foulest waffle cones in history.
The worker will then hand you a scoop of chocolate, as dark as a very dark thing. It has been whispered in hushed tones, mainly by laryngitis patients, that light itself cannot escape its surface.
The chocolate will be the chocolatiest chocolate that ever saw the light of day, so rich that it could buy a thousand mansions and still have enough left over to purchase Mars.
The worker will once more ask how it tasted. You MUST respond "Choctacular!" If you don't... you know. The waffle cone thing.
You will now face the Holder, a naked woman made entirely of butter pecan swirl. Don't eat her. It pisses her off so. She will only respond to one question: "O Mighty Holder of the Ripple of Mint-like Fudge, just what the hell kind of flavour is Rainbow anyway?"
She will tell you, in horrendous detail. Be warned, it may very well sear your soul from your body and rend it in twain. Mark Twain, to be precise, who will imprison you forever in a first edition of Tom Sawyer.
If you survive the ordeal, you will be handed the Scoop of the Ages. It has the power to scoop pure minty fudge ripple from any surface.
The Scoop of the Ages is Object I've Lost Count of 538. But you will never be able to enjoy it, or any other ice cream again.
Categories: | Parodies |
|Last modified on 2012-09-26 09:06:02Average Rating: 5 / 5 (1 votes)Viewed 4028 times|