The Holders Are Real


When they stumbled upon the Holders site—in the midst of trying different permutations of words for porn sites—they knew they had found paranormal gold. In the sense that it was something awesome they had to investigate, and not ghost treasure. Note to self: awesome idea for a children's book.

I checked my watch. "We don't have much time. Adult Swim will be on in five hours."

"Is that my watch?" said Robert.

"One of the many questions that only this journey can answer. If I'm not back in four hours, you get back in that car, go to my family, and tell them I love them. Then all of you come back and rescue me. I'm serious. Bring guns."

I entered the mental hospital. The woman at the front desk raised her eyebrows at my disheveled form. This was the point where I was supposed to ask for the Holder of the End.

"Holder? I barely know her!"

I realized that I said the punchline out loud, which surely confused her. For her convenience, I said the whole thing, playing both sides of the exchange. Her jaw dropping open indicated how impressed she was by my uncanny wit.

I supposed I should get right to the point. "I'd like to see the Holder of the End." I leaned forward as much as I could to add inflection to my statement. She smelled like strawberries and oranges. I told her this. Her face became one of unmistakable child-like fear.

She started off into the mental institution. I could tell she was testing me. She twisted and turned through the hallways, trying to lose me, but I doggedly pursued her. She sent minions to get in my way, but my well-defined muscles shoved them aside easily.

I suddenly stopped. There was the mumbling that the story spoke of. It was coming from all around me. These people were dressed all the same, and staring right at me. They knew that I was an intruder here by how different I looked. My clothes were making me a target!

"I'm just passing through, I wish to talk!" I tried to say, but the medicine I took to calm my nerves also caused me to slur my words somewhat. However assured I was that they would understand anyway, they continued to close in around me.

I tried as hard as I could to find ways to skirt their suspicion, but to no avail. They tried to stop me, but I made my way to the cell in question. I threw open the door to see the Holder himself, crouched in the corner, cradling his Object.

"Protect me, Master Chief," I prayed to myself, before asking the question.

It didn't work. His minions emerged from the walls, grabbing me with thousands of hands and dragging me into their dark abyss.

For those reading this, beware. The Holders are real. And they will devour you. Even if you follow the directions exactly, they will still devour you. I will remain locked in this dark abyss for all eternity. Can you avoid the same fate?

Mark "Doc" Antony was arrested on April 3rd on multiple charges at St. Gregory's Mental Hospital.

Witness state that after making inappropriate sexual advances on the receptionist, he then chased her throughout the complex. Upon being cornered by hospital staff, he apparently shouted a racial slur directed at the Bosnian peoples, stripped to nudity, before charging into a patient's room and aggressively attempting to steal their medication bottle.

Tests showed that he had taken a near-fatal dose of amphetamines beforehand, and is currently pending trial at the county courthouse. Robert Cole is being interviewed as a possible accomplice, despite his assertions that he does not know Antony whatsoever.


Categories: | Parodies |

Last modified on 2010-10-22 11:51:51Average Rating: 5 / 5 (1 votes)Viewed 9300 times

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