The Holder of Vice

Unlike the other Objects, which can usually be obtained in any city, in any country, this one can only be gotten in Miami, Florida.

Once you've arrived in Miami, go to any of the lavish hotels on Ocean Drive. Ask the receptionist there to see someone who calls himself "The Holder of Vice." The receptionist should cower as though a gun has been pointed at his face and then duck under the counter. Don't worry; he's not coming back any time soon.

At this point, if you feel that you cannot obtain this Object for any reason, then go up the nearby stairs, find the only room with its door open, lay down in the bed, and close your eyes. After ten minutes, open them and you'll find yourself in your own bed. Nothing bad will happen to you, and you can resume your normal life, but know that you can never go back to Miami. If you live in Miami, you should start packing your bags immediately; you have little time to escape with your life.

However, if you feel that you are fully capable of retrieving this Object, leave the hotel at once. It will seem as though nothing has changed. Don't be fooled; not only are you in a different place, you're in a whole new plane of existence. You are now in Vice City. This twisted doppelganger of Miami is ridden with crime, gang activity, and death. Just staying alive in this town will be difficult enough, but you're on a mission here. Ask the first person you see where Cafe Robina is. If the person does not know, then you are one of the poor few the Holder has taken a strong dislike to; enjoy your time here while it lasts, for his henchmen are on their way to your location, and they WILL find you.

But most people in town know this cafe (for it is indeed quite famous here in Vice City, yet not for its food alone), so you should be given detailed directions on how to get there. Now, get into the nearest vehicle (steal it if you must, for Vice City's police force has far more pressing matters to deal with than carjackings) and drive, as quickly as you can, to the cafe. If, when you arrive, you see a man in a teal, Hawaiian-print shirt sitting on a barstool, you are too late. You have caught the Holder unaware, and he will not hesitate to destroy you in the most cruel, inhuman ways imaginable (if, indeed, they can be imagined).

If, instead, you see an overweight Cuban man bragging to a group of women about his huge "cojones," ask him to see "The Holder of Vice." He should say, "Oh, you want Tommy. He's over on Starfish Island." He'll give you directions, then resume what he was doing before you arrived.

May I suggest that before you confront the Holder, you get as much weaponry as possible. This is not as difficult as it sounds; indeed, there are weapons of all types just lying around the streets and alleys of Vice City, waiting to be obtained by someone who knows where to look. If all else fails, the various gun stores around Vice City should tailor to most of your needs; just make sure you've got some cash on hand. Once you feel you are sufficiently equipped, head over to Tommy's mansion.

Upon entering, climb the main stairs and enter the first room you see. You should find the aforementioned man in the Hawaiian-print shirt sitting behind a desk; flanking him on either side are a short, pasty man with curly red hair and ridiculous-looking glasses, and a man who fits the description of the stereotypical cowboy to a tee. He will ask you to state your business; the only thing you may reply with is, "I'm here to shut your business down." Say anything else, and he'll see right through your weak facade; he will order his two guards to hold you down, and then he himself will submit you to horrors best left unspoken.

If you respond correctly, however, he will say, "I knew this would happen soon. You want it so bad, fight for it!" The two of you will now duel to the death. Be forewarned; Tommy's skill with firearms is unmatched, so you're already at a disadvantage. You'll have to use your weaponry and your surroundings to the fullest if you're to win this battle. To date, none have beaten the Holder; if you fail as well, your bullet-riddled body will be nailed to a wall on the mansion, forever to be used as target practice for Tommy's goons. You will feel every bullet that goes inside you until someone worthy comes and defeats the Holder; your useless corpse will then be thrown into the ocean like foul waste, to be forever feasted upon by the denizens of the sea.

Should you be the one Seeker to finally destroy the Holder, proceed to kill everyone on your new property. You will meet no resistance; everyone you come across will be paralyzed with fear in the presence of the one who slew their master. Should anyone pledge their loyalty to you, let them live; you could use some goons of your own in the years to come. Once the estate is cleared of all not willing to swear their allegiance to you, shout as loud as you can, "VICE CITY IS MINE!!! DO YOU HEAR ME?! MINE!!!!!" Then take a seat where the Holder once rested; this is your throne now.

Vice City is Object 1986 of 2538. Never let anyone take it from you, whatever the cost may be.

Categories: | Parodies |

Last modified on 2010-03-02 20:38:24Viewed 6707 times

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