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PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2014 5:43 pm 
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Location: R'yleh
So yes. Some time ago when I frequented this forum I began working on...what was essentially a replacement for the Holder of the Watchers story. That particular one always bugged me due to it being a damned good idea but failing in it's execution somewhat. Some time ago I found the first few paragraphs of my rewrite attempt and I for the life of me wish I could remember where I was going with it. Just thought I should post it here.

It may be of worth to note that the story was from the point of view of a Seeker character who was the POV in an audio only Holders story I wrote and performed on my youtube channel some time ago. That reading can be found here. Now onto the remains of the story.

Good morning.

Good evening.

Good afternoon.

Whatever the case may be in your corner of the world, I greet you. I assume that you are here looking for the Watchers, and their guard. I am afraid I must disappoint you, and then explain to you, dear listener, why this loss should not be a disappointment, but a blessing to you.

I cannot share my name with you, I fear, as I know now more than ever the vicious ability you people have to track down those you feel have snubbed you. Simply by listing my last find as being in London, one of you was able to find me. My face didn’t help, I imagine, but all the same, I won’t even give that level of specific detail. I don’t need to find myself on the receiving end of a scrawny disheveled transient with a knife again.
With that said, I suppose I had best begin with story time before you get bored and wander off. Please make yourself comfortable, and I’ll begin.

I found myself in yet another city, though no longer in Europe. This time I found myself located in a relatively well-to-do area of New England in the Americas. That the name of the place escapes me, though it was not my intention to inform you of that name regardless, may be relevant to the events that transpired given the nature of my find.
I remember that I wandered the streets of the city for quite some time, and that I was rather transfixed by the buildings above. On first glance they did not seem all that unusual, especially to a man of my sort, who has spent many long years roaming from place to place hunting my very unusual prey and dodging my even more unusual predators. In those travels I have traveled through countless towering jungles of steel, stone, and smoke, but none of them have ever instilled quite the feeling of entrapment and suspicion that filled me while wandering the streets of this nameless city. The buildings seemed to move and twist akin to gnarled and ancient trees in a harsh wind, despite the winds being none-existent in this place and the buildings being made of solid, though old, stone.

Whether this was some trick of my eyes, a purposeful illusion, or a glimpse into the origins of those beings and relics of unknown worlds whom I did seek, I do not know; though I pray that it is the first.

Beyond the odd behavior of the architecture, I also recall the distinct emptiness of the place. Proof of life surrounded me in every aspect. Pavements cracked from the overuse of the myriad inhabitants. Cars sitting outside of every other dwelling.

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2014 6:40 am 
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Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2013 4:53 pm
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Well... in common and general it's fine, but there are some things I'd like to mention.

Quote:
Good morning.
Good evening.
Good afternoon.

I guess it's not that necessary here. The phrase which goes after that is more than enough. And this... well, this, honestly, reminds of phonetics exercises. It doesn't add anything to the atmosphere, as for me.

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why this loss should not be a disappointment, but a blessing to you.

It looks a bit cliche.

Quote:
With that said, I suppose I had best begin with story time before you get bored and wander off.

This looks a bit strange. If that's a Seeker he's talking to, theyll never get bored. There are several more reasons for them to leave without listening - like, for example, that aforementioned inability to get this very Object.

Quote:
and that I was rather transfixed by the buildings above

Is that a way to this Holder's realm? Well, that's a bit easy and... weird. They do so much to make Seekers never ever come to their places, they hide the ways to their worlds just because that's how they protect their Objects... So if it's actually a way to the realm, that's strange. Maybe it would be better to mention that he did something specific by accident, and that made him get here?


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2014 9:57 am 
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The opening was a bit I used because, as I said, it was a sequel from the point of view of a character, as if he's dictating it. I took the greeting from James Randi, with a mild alteration.

I'll grant his dialogue is a bit of a hammy thing. I was trying to write him as if he was Pickman from the Lovecraft story Pickman's Model.

The "get bored and wander off" comment was intended to be taken as an insult. The character was intended to be an arrogant pseudo-intellectual.

And yeah...when it comes to the description of the buildings is where I start getting really confused as to what the hell I was going for. I mean, I know it was supposed to be a rewrite of the Watchers, but what does odd buildings and a surreal street have to do with that? I think I was getting a bit too obsessed with the idea of writing it as a Lovecraft story and implying he'd wandered into the Holder area without noticing, but then again it was a while ago so I may be talking out of my arse right now.

Do you think there'd be any point in me re-attempting this re-write? I've also started work on a separate short horror story, but it's entirely disconnected from the Holders.

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 02, 2014 7:10 am 
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Quote:
The opening was a bit I used because, as I said, it was a sequel from the point of view of a character, as if he's dictating it. I took the greeting from James Randi, with a mild alteration.

Still, as I said, it reminds of a phonetics exercise. Something like "Good day. Or night. Whatever" would work far better, especially if you want the Seeker to look arrogant.
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The "get bored and wander off" comment was intended to be taken as an insult.

It doesn't look like one.
Quote:
I mean, I know it was supposed to be a rewrite of the Watchers, but what does odd buildings and a surreal street have to do with that?

Why does it have to be strongly connected? Some stories (like the Holder of the Path) do not follow this thing about having the title strongly connected with the trial. And that works just fine.
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Do you think there'd be any point in me re-attempting this re-write?

It's all up to you. If you want it - go ahead.


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